Category: Parenting

Last week, over dinner, Tim said, “Susie, I think you are a great mom, but I am kind of sick of the road block I hit when I try to express that to you. So I’m not going to try to tell you that you’re a great mom anymore because there is such strong resistance in your mind, and you just cannot receive my words.”

I didn’t really like being called out on my shame fest. I know how frustrating it is to offer encouragement to someone, only to be met with a stonewall of resistance because the other person just cannot accept the compliment. I was a little shocked that my shame had reached this level in my life and was creating a rift between Tim and me.

I have had to admit that Tim’s observation was true. All my traveling away from Russell recently has left me feeling like a bad mom. The weight of that self-doubt and self-criticism is unbearable. I don’t know any parents who do not at least occasionally question whether they are doing a good job. Parenting is a big task, and there is no manual. Still, I don’t want to live in shame. I don’t want my shame to shape my sense of worth and purpose. I want God to shape my life. I want my roles as mother, wife, and pastor to be grounded in God’s love, grace, and wisdom.

So I told Tim I’d make him a deal. If he would agree to keep offering encouragement and affirmation, I would agree to change my response – even if it were forced and fake at first. I told him that if he tries to compliment me or encourage me about my parenting, I will immediately drop onto one knee and say, “Yes!” like a quarter-back scoring in the end zone of a football game. I figured dramatic measures are called for in drastic circumstances.

The truth is that I am a good parent. Not always, and not perfectly, but I am doing my best, and God offers me grace for the rest. The same is true for you.

So, wherever your shame resides, I invite you to join me on a counter-mission to try to re-wire and exchange your self-critical thoughts for God’s thoughts. The truest thing about you is not what you say about yourself in your head. The truest thing about you is what God says about you, and He says you are deeply loved. The Bible says that perfect love casts out fear. God invites us to live in His perfect love. This love has the power to transform us from the inside out, if we’ll only receive and abide in His love.
So, the next time someone offers you kind words about an area of your life where you feel discouraged and unworthy, please do an end-zone dance for me, to God’s glory.

“And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” -2 Cor. 3:18

On our last full day together as a team in Guatemala, we sat around a long dining room table nestled in a cozy casita in the middle of the rain forest, and we took turns sharing our appreciation for each team member. Each person had a turn at being in the “hot seat” and was only allowed to say “thank you” as each team member shared what they appreciated about that person during our week of serving and traveling together in Guatemala. At times you could feel the awkwardness for an individual whose preference was to keep the attention off of them, but we patiently persisted in sharing our words of love with one another. “One thing I appreciate about you is….” -or- “I really enjoyed when you….” -or- “Thank you for being….”

All right, I’ll admit it: almost every night I tiptoe quietly into Russell’s room and watch him sleep. Yes, I am one of those moms. Last night he was sprawled out on his back with his arms in the air, but sometimes he’s rolled up like a ball or lying on his side with a friend under his head. Russell has lots of “friends” in his crib with him. When I tuck him it at night, his stuffed animal friends become a comfort for him. He smiles at them, and plays with them, and shares his bottle with them before falling asleep. Mr. Turtle is a prize I won from Jay Hedberg during a fun and silly game at Brian and Lara’s rehearsal dinner, and Brown Bear is a gift from John Miret when Russell was born. Another friend, “Little Dog,” was an impromptu gift from Sharon just before she moved back to Malaysia. Gabby gave Mrs. Red-White-and-Blue Bear to Russell for Christmas last year. And, finally, my niece Lola and G-Ma made White Bear for Russell at Build-A-Bear last summer. All of Russell’s “friends,” with their amazingly creative names (I know!), remind me of the rich community that surrounds our lives as a family.

Last week I learned that some dear friends had received very scary news about a genetic disorder in their unborn child. This kind of news has a gut-kick effect that is usually followed by numbness, anger and denial, and ultimately fear and sadness. Tim and I happened to have dinner plans scheduled with our friends the day after they received the news. We listened and they shared, and we all cried at the table together. Then we prayed, and as we bowed our heads, I was overwhelmed with the reality of how much this baby is loved. No matter what happens, this baby is so incredibly loved. An amazing community of people surrounds this baby, who has not yet even emerged from the womb. Many people deeply love the baby’s mom and dad, and their love extends to the child they have never met.

I don’t know – I really don’t know – why God allows things like genetic disorders and natural disasters and terminal illnesses and so many others kinds of suffering. In this situation involving my friends, I keep thinking, “Wow, Lord, you are going to have to give some kind of account for this in eternity because it just makes no sense.” But one thing I do know is that love and friends and community surround this little one, much like how all those stuffed animal friends surround Russell as he sleeps.

When I think and pray for this child, I imagine a community of love – Father, Son and Holy Spirit – and a whole slew of other “friends” gathered all around this precious one as she sleeps and grows inside her mom.

While walking into church Sunday morning, I saw another mom and her child scurrying into the warm building because it was cold outside. I burst into a Barney song, “Cold, brrr, I wish I had fur, I wish I was a bear with furry, furry hair, it’s cold, brrr…”. Now, repeat that 5 times while dancing and spinning. (Click here if you want to see the professional himself perform this song.)

When Tim and I considered having children, I swore I would never watch the annoying purple dinosaur, let alone memorize his ridiculous songs! I love kids, but I really, really, really do not like most children’s music. All those sing song-y, stick in your head, repetitive songs just about drive me crazy.

When Russell and I are in the car together, we don’t listen to kids songs. We listen to U2, Taylor Swift, John M. McMillian, and Gungor – okay, you could argue Taylor Swift is in the kids category – but the point is that we do not listen to pre-school music.

However, sometime during this past month, Russell became enamored with Barney. Tim and I are not Barney people – or I should say we were not Barney people. We are not the kind of people who browse children’s books at Barnes & Noble. We are not especially fond of cartoons or the germ-infested petri dish called “The Bouncy Castle” at the fair. But we are Russell people, and Russell loves Barney. So, we have found joy in watching him study the purple dinosaur with the short arms who laughs and spins and sings.

I guess that is how love works. We do things we wouldn’t otherwise choose for ourselves because the people we love enjoy them. This is the lesson Barney and Russell have been teaching me. I love Russell, and Russell loves Barney, so – at least for now – we’ll be singing Barney’s silly songs in my house.