Spiritual Life

Adopting Lyla: Part 5 – You Are Chosen

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When we said “yes” to adopting Lyla, her caregiver posted this photo on Facebook with the words, “I am chosen.”

I couldn’t help but think of how Jesus says, “I have chosen you,” and how often I take that as a pressuring message. You’re chosen, blessed, redeemed – so get busy serving meals and hosting groups and working hard in the church.  Your duty as a chosen one is to be responsible and pay back the gift you’ve been given in being chosen.

Then I think about Lyla. I think about how my mama-heart jumped for joy when I saw this picture of her sweet little face next to the words “I am chosen.” I wanted to reach through the computer screen and say, “Yes, you are chosen, sweet baby girl,” and hold her in my arms.

I want Lyla to know that as her imperfect mom I care infinitely more about her BEING than her DOING. I hope for her to BE brave, to BE free, to BE true, to BE God- honoring, and whatever she does out of that center is just by-product.

It doesn’t matter to me if she does anything great in the world’s eyes. Maybe God sees us the same way.

Imagine a photograph of yourself right here. God looks at your face and is overwhelmed with delight. You are chosen…

But now, this is what the Lord says – he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead.

Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you.

Isaiah 43:1-4

Parenting, Spiritual Life

Adopting Lyla: Part 4

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Adoption Day is the day that adoptive parents meet their child for the first time.

I have been told to expect all sorts of emotions on the day that our family and Lyla meet face-to-face. For parents, this day is the realization of a whole lot of wishes, hopes, dreams, and prayers, not to mention an insane amount of paperwork! For the child being adopted, it may also be a day of culminated joy, but there is often an element of loss, too, as the child is separated from whatever semblance of home has been fostered in the orphanage or foster home. For siblings already in the home, “Gotcha Day” can be complex, with some excitement and some perception of threat. The whole family is oriented around the task of bonding, which is a vulnerable undertaking in any circumstance, but perhaps especially in this context where each person longs so deeply to love and be loved. “Gotcha Day” is the beginning of something new and inconceivable, no matter how often we have dreamed of it.

I am waiting and wondering and dreaming of what our adoption day will be like. I wonder what it will feel like for Tim, Russell, and me, and I wonder what it will feel like for Lyla. We would be so grateful for your prayers as we approach this important day. Here are some of our hearts’ longings:

  • Tim and I will travel to China sometime end of May/early June. Prayer for us and Russell as he stays home with Grandma, Grandpa & Gabby as we travel to China to get Lyla. I’m already sad about leaving Russell for those 10 days and I’m nostalgic about our time with “just Russell” winding down.
  • We hope to make our world very small for a while when Lyla first arrives, in order to focus on bonding & attaching with our new little girl.
  • Praying for Russell’s adjustment…Mommy’s adjustment….Tim’s adjustment…Gabby’s adjustment….and a whole lot of patience, acceptance and openness to the big change coming our way.
  • Solid sleeping routines for everyone upon Lyla’s arrival!
  • Praying for Lyla’s little heart as she goes through one more significant change in her life. Praying that as she forms her self-identity that she can be rooted deeply in the Lord and his deep abiding love for her.

“For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’ The Spirit itself bears witness with our spirit, that we are children of God: and if children, then heirs; heirs of God and joint-heirs with Christ.”– Romans 8:14-17

Parenting, Spiritual Life

Adopting Lyla: Part 3

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We were sitting in a required parent training for adoption a couple years ago now, when the facilitator started explaining that there is a “primal wound” that develops when a birth mother and a child are separated shortly after childbirth. She was teaching from a well known resource published in 1993 by Nancy Verrier called “The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child.”  The primary focus of both the book and the class was the effects of adoption on the adopted. The big idea was that all adoptees, even those adopted at birth, experience a break in bond that is a deep emotional wound. And that a loving set of adoptive parents can help to heal the wounds.

I remember there was a woman in our class who listened to all the unique challenges of bonding and attaching inherent in adoption and then she finally blurted out, “This is so depressing! I’m not even sure I want to adopt anymore!”

Tim and I listened, learned, were sobered by the realizations but didn’t feel any less drawn to adopt. For us it felt empowering to know the information. It felt honest to acknowledge and embrace the research. Just like there is a nostalgia to romance, there can be a nostalgia to adoption. Nostalgia plays a role in initially drawing us, inspiring us towards a beautiful vision of what could be. But nostalgia is a limited view. It’s only a small part of the true story. Real love – the tough, weathered, true kind – doesn’t remain in nostalgia-land forever. Authentic love is sometimes boring, sometimes brutal, sometimes messy and scary and roll-up-your-sleeves, push-on, one-foot forward, hard+hard+hard work. Nostalgia comes and goes. Sustaining love on the other hand, embraces the truth, lives informed and rides the seasons of winter, spring, summer and fall.

I want to be the kind of person who moves beyond nostalgia to give and receive sustaining love.  I want to offer this kind of love to my people; to my kids, to Tim and to our home team. I want more than pseudo-community that is all about conflict-avoidance.  I want the real deal. I want to foster true, authentic community that is only born when we risk vulnerability and are willing to enter the tunnel of chaos to find one another as we truly are on the other side.

Embracing “the primal wound” of adoption is just a picture to me of embracing people for who they really are (and not who I want to make them be) and not minimizing the pain of our unique human experiences – whatever they may be.  This takes humility and vulnerability and patience and time – and it is relevant in all my relationships. Because we all have different pains & wounds, and we all have the chance to offer one another healing too.

Parenting

Adopting Lyla: Part 2

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The fact that a child born to another woman is about to call me “Mom” is a tragedy and a privilege – neither of which is lost on me. My friend Jodi said that.

Adoption is born out of total tragedy. Adoption is not the way life is supposed to be. It’s an unimaginable heartache of the most courageous kind for a woman to have to give up her child. There are countless possible reasons why she must – but it’s still a tragedy for her and for the baby who began bonding in utero with her mom’s voice, smell, and beat of her heart. Adoption begins with the breaking of a bond that wasn’t meant to be broken. If we can’t acknowledge this, then we minimize the pain for both birth mom and baby, no matter how beautiful the story that follows may be.

I hope and trust that our family’s story with Lyla will indeed be a beautiful one.

The fact that a child born to another woman is about to call me “Mom” is a privilege of the most sacred kind. It is the way life is supposed to be that those with love to share give it away, and that those that are called to adopt give that love to a child in need of a home. Every child should have a family in which to belong, where s/he can be seen, loved and nurtured. Our family is grateful, humbled, and overjoyed to be in a position to offer our love and our home to Lyla.

Lyla was born to another woman but will soon call me “Mom.” The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me.

To be continued…

Parenting

Adopting Lyla: Part 1

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The dream of adopting a child has been in my heart for as long as I can remember.   In 2nd grade I was obsessed with the movie Annie. At my Annie-themed birthday party that summer, I received an Annie album, an Annie necklace, and an Annie towel. The story of orphan Annie finding a home had captured me – and everyone knew it. “Why adoption?” some people ask. I guess I just can’t think of anything more beautiful in which to invest the life and resources God has given our family.

When Tim and I first met in college, China had just opened up to Westerners, and we were moved by the history, culture and amazing people of China. Tim moved to Beijing for 2 years after college, serving with a campus ministry and teaching English. We were dating long distance at the time, so I went to China to visit Tim. We have so many memories of that trip, including walking along the Great Wall of China, visiting Tiananmen Square, eating super spicy noodles in a dingy underground restaurant and a walk in Purple Bamboo Park when Tim brought up marriage. I said, “I’m really not ready for this conversation yet.” Geez, what was I thinking?!

When we got married, we both agreed that starting a family “someday” was a desire of our hearts. We decided we would try, “down the road,” to have 1 child biologically if possible and we’d try to adopt 1 child from China if possible.

Before our now 3½ year old son Russell was even born, we had begun pursuing adoption through CCAI (Chinese Children Adoption International.)  We filled out the application and attended the 24 hours of required parenting courses. Then we sort of stalled out in completing all the paperwork. Part of our stalling out was just neither of us being good at details, but I also think our hearts were catching up with all the realities of adoption. Eventually our agency said we either needed to move forward or close down our file.

With a lot of help and prayer, we finished the paperwork in the fall of 2014 and finally “matched” with our soon-to-be daughter Lyla on January 8, 2015.

We now wait for her to come home! We are filled with awe, wonder, anticipation, and a whole new set of hopes & fears as we await “Adoption Day,” which is a phrase marking the anniversary of when an adopted family finally gets to hold their child in their arms.

To be continued…

Parenting, Spiritual Life

Morning Snuggles with Russell

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I’ve loved Russell from the moment we found out he was only the size of a poppy seed inside of me.  But there are moments lately when I look at him, and the depth of love I feel towards him nearly knocks me off my feet.  The other morning he came into our bed early in the morning. Tim was already gone, and Russell lay there quietly holding my hand. The sweetness of his little fingers wrapped around mine, the features of his face, the warmth of his little body, the quietness of that moment, the stillness of early day-all came together and made me want to weep in its beauty. In such moments, I think to myself: I would lay down in front of a train for you. I would learn how to fly for you. I would go anywhere, do anything, pay any price because I love you so much.

Then I think about God’s love for me, and for you, and for Russell. I think about God’s love for all people. For all people he created. For all people of every nation, every political belief, every religious belief, and every status. All people, even annoying people and crazy people and irritating people and the ones who try so hard to be good and the ones who gave up on any attempts at goodness long ago. God created, He birthed all these creatures-all these beings-and His love for His creation is fierce.

I’m certain that Russell’s 3-year old brain cannot fully comprehend or fathom the depths of my love for him. I’m certain that my little brain cannot fully grasp God’s love for me either. But if my love for Russell is a fractured, incomplete & imperfect picture of God’s love for us, then that realization of the immensity of God’s love changes everything. It makes me wonder…

Why would I ever fear in this sort of love?

Why would I ever embrace or support hatred or violence?

Why would I ever hold on to a grudge?

Why would I ever choose doing over being?

… The list goes on and on.

The depth of Gods’ love is an ever-deepening spiral, unfathomable, and it is our only context for enduring transformation and change. So, let’s not be afraid to be like Russell and put our little hands in God’s hands in the stillness and quiet and in the turmoil and terror of this life. We are loved.

Spiritual Life

Christmas 365 Days of the Year

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My first pastor, Stuart Briscoe, who was born in England, used to talk about our cultures obsession with the “spirit of Christmas.”  The “spirit of Christmas” is something we all long for. It’s that attitude that overtakes us with kindness, generosity, peace, goodwill and warm relationships each year around the time of the winter solstice. But what our hearts really long for is not, “the spirit of Christmas” but rather the Spirit of Christ. The spirit of Christmas is annual; the Spirit of Christ is eternal. The spirit of Christmas is sentimental; the Spirit of Christ is supernatural. The spirit of Christmas is a commercial product; the Spirit of Christ is a divine Person.

Its not about an annual event, it is about Christ’s perpetual indwelling power through the Holy Spirit. The only power through which we might be changed.

Parenting, Spiritual Life

Adoption Update

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When our son Russell was still only an unnamed hope in our hearts, Tim and I felt drawn to adoption. It is estimated that 153 million children worldwide are orphans. That need, combined with our sense of God’s calling and our own desire to build a family, led us down a winding road whose destination we still don’t see clearly. We began the journey more than 5 years ago by attending various local and international adoption agency informational meetings. We eventually chose Chinese Children Adoption International as the route that felt most consistent with our hearts and God’s leading. We struggled through some of the potential “ugh” realities of adopting, including the possible lack of knowledge on family medical history, the unique attachment journey some adopted kids and parents enter, the unknowns, and the long waiting periods. We sat through 24 hours of required parenting courses. We began saving our money for the associated costs of adoption. And we waited…

Last week, after a long silence, our dossier (the extensive paperwork associated with adopting) was finally filed in China.  We received the first “file” of a little girl for our consideration in adopting!

Please pray for us. We are seeking to discern if this sweet little girl is a “match” for our family and us for her. The thrill of hope inside of us around this possibility is indescribable!

My friend Jodi Landers has adopted 2 children from Sierra Leone, and she has wisely said, “A child born to another woman calls me mom. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege is not lost on me.”

Thank you for your prayers as we seek to hear God’s voice in this process!

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Saying Goodbye to Sam

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“The dog was created specially for children. He is the god of frolic.” ~Henry Ward

I was never much of a dog person, until we got our Old English Sheepdog. We named him Sam Wise Gamgee, after Frodo’s best friend, since he was about to become our family’s new best friend. Tim and I were living in Iowa at the time, and I was sad and resistant about being in a town that felt way too small for my ambitious 20-something year old heart. I traveled a lot for work, flying in and out of Chicago, so we had Sam shipped from a breeder in Montana, and we picked Sam up in the cargo section of O’Hare International airport after one of my work trips.

I was instantly in love. That fluffy puppy sat on my lap the whole 3-hour drive home to our house on the Mississippi River in Iowa. He was a mere 40 pounds then, only half the size he would become. Sam settled gently into our lives during that tough season  when our marriage was being tested in new ways, my faith was being strengthened, and I was discovering that hope really is stronger than my fears. Sam was great comic relief for us in the midst of all that loneliness, tension, struggle and tears. That was 12 years ago.

Since that first day, Sam has been a constant presence and has moved with us 8 times. He was there to welcome our son Russell home from the hospital. Sam watched and comforted all of us through Russell’s many  “firsts” and through our parenting “firsts.” Sam taught me so much about the value of play and companionship, rhythm and routine.

Over the last few months, we noticed Sam losing his energy and his ability to walk. We watched him getting increasingly uncomfortable. We slowly and reluctantly recognized that Sam was dying…

Earlier this week, we had to say goodbye to Sam. I cannot remember the last time I cried this much!  Even though Sam’s health had been declining for some time, nothing could prepare us for saying goodbye to a dog that had become family.  We miss him already. We are so grateful for the special years God gave us with our fluffy puppy. A friend gave me this quote, which sums up one of the many gifts God gave us through Sam:

“Dogs are our link to paradise. They don’t know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring-it was peace.” ~Milan Kundera

Sam, we love you, and we are so glad God gave you to our family. You will forever be in our hearts.

Spiritual Life

The Grass Is Always Greener

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You’ve heard it said, “The grass is always greener on the other side,” but the truth of the matter is, the grass is always greener where you water it.

We live in a world that constantly encourages us to compare and contrast our lives. Advertisements bombard us daily with images of what we don’t have yet but others do… and what we too could have some day. So, we compete with our neighbors, envy our friends, and spend our energy trying to attain what others have. Our culture tells us that we never have enough, and on some level, we believe we are always one acquisition away from happiness. We live like the mouse on a treadwheel, always spinning with new desires and dissatisfied energy, wanting what someone else already has.

But contentment is about cherishing what I already have, watering the grass of my own lawn.

When I allow my thoughts to be consumed with running lists of what someone else has that I don’t have, I am watering grass on my neighbor’s lawn. If I do this for too long, my own lawn will die. But when I focus on the grass in my own lawn, and water it, weed it, mow it and fertilize it, then my own grass will become green.

What part of your life is wilting from lack of attention? What action could you take today to care for your own “lawn” instead of watering someone else’s?